When It Rains, It Pours: Afternoon Catharsis

Welcome. This is intended for no one but myself but if anyone happens to stumble upon it and finds it useful, please feel free to drop a line and return as you wish.

For the sake of argument, let's assume my name is Duke. I'm a late-20s professional living in southern california. I have a relatively high-stress job that I, in turn, make out to be about 1000 times more stressful that it actually is. I live with my fiancee, with whom I have had a rocky relationship over the past seven years. Things are better now with both of us in therapy, but we still have our moments.

I was raised in a decently close-knit catholic family, and I'm now an atheist. My parents didn't have the best relationship; my mom was an undiagnosed depressive for years (and by years I mean for the entirety of my childhood and adolesence), and my father came from a long line of staunch eastern europeans who lived through the great depression and had no idea what their emotions were, much less how to express them in a constructive manner. My youth was characterized by my father (and, frequently, me as well) walking on eggshells trying to keep her happy; this was, as any astute reader can quickly figure out, an impossible task. Through it all I learned very little about how to make an intimate relationship work and, more importantly and more destructively, that everyone around me must be happy and calm in order for me to be happy and calm.

My parents divorced when I was 17. Since then my father has remarried but still believes that my mother's behavior was directed at him; my mother is still single and will most likely stay that way as she is too set in her ways.

Then there's me.

I always considered myself a pretty happy-go-lucky person who was able to take the ups and downs of life in stride. That was until my first panic attack just a few short days before christmas in 2004. I ended up in the ER truly believing I was having a heart attack. Since then I have been in therapy and have learned a lot about myself and how to take care of myself. However, nothing worth doing is easy, and this process is no different. Basically, I built a wall around myself for many years, and the work of the past few years has been tearing it down. That's done. What remains is the scared, anxious, nervous, introspective little boy who built that wall in the first place.

I suffer from a pretty good case of hypochondria (a learned behavior -- thanks mom and grandma!) which is the source of much of my day to day frustration. Since the panic attack, I still truly believe that I have some underlying heart condition. I have completely revamped my lifestyle -- regular exercise, a very above average diet -- but I still drink too much on occasion and don't deal with my stress as well as I need to. Recently, stomach issues have been haunting me. And while things with my fiancee are much better than they were just a few years ago, they aren't perfect -- she has problems that I can't fix, and I still hold on tight to that notion of "You're not OK, I'm not OK" at times.

Which I guess is enough to bring us to today. Today is the culmination of about a week of constant worry. I've been getting pains in my left shoulder/neck area when I run over the past week, and in my left pectoral area. Additionally, I get a fullness in my chest and start belching as soon as I start running. This is quite likely due to the fact that I have recurring problems with knots and tension in that shoulder, as well as a likely imbalance or misalignment, and the other stomach issues I alluded to earlier; however, I quite naturally assume that it is a harbinger of some coming cardiac disease. I've had a dull ache in my jaw on the right side for the past week. It could be tooth related, it could be an ear infection, it could be grinding at night. No matter -- it's just another thing to worry and obsess about.

I haven't slept well in two nights because of the worry. Saturday night I was kept up by a strong heavy headed feeling I got after a half a glass of wine at dinner; of course I thought it was just another sign of impending doom. Last night I fell asleep but was awakened by my right hand being asleep and a strange ache in my right elbow. Nevermind that I was twisted like a pretzel when I woke, and that both the sleepy hand and the elbow ache went away -- I immediately associated it with cardiac problems. At the same time, I was driven to the bathroom with what amounted to a surprise case of the runs. Both of these things only served to dampen my mood even more, and make a restful night of sleep that much more unlikely.

When I awoke this morning -- nearly an hour late, mind you -- I felt like I had been hit by a bus. To top it off, I now have a scratchy throat and am hacking up sticky brown mucus this morning. I've had this before -- many times -- and as far as I can tell it is almost always stress induced.

So here I am -- at work, not working but blogging about my fucking problems -- because I'm just too damn frustrated and preoccupied and stressed and depressed about the situation in which I currently find myself. I want to talk to someone, but who understands? My therapist, for sure. My fiancee? Occasionally she has some sympathy but usually she just tells me to get over it and stop acting like a baby (coming from someone who was treated for depression, that's a travesty). My parents? They can lend a sympathetic ear, but I feel like I don't want to open up to them. (maybe because I've never opened up to them?) My friends? I don't know -- I'm sure I could with quite a few of them, but I've never tried because I don't think I'd be comfortable. My family? Some more than others, but I still get this strong guilt trip from myself when I burden others with my problems.

I guess that leaves me. The only problem with that is that I don't actually do anything to help myself -- I just wallow in my own sad state of affairs and withdraw from those that I care about into a lonely, depressing place where everything is a chore and nothing is fun. This -- again, as should be evident to those reading closely -- only serves to worsen the condition.

I want to break out of this ever widening spiral, but can't find the strength. So where does that leave me?

Thanks for listening.